I have Myotonic Dystrophy, New Daily Persistent Headaches (NDPH) and Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS). I have been off my medication since April 2010 when we decided to start trying to get pregnant and have remained off of them so that I could provide breastmilk for Arya.
We have not been nursing. Arya was born premature and never quite got the hang of it. We tried hard and had very little success. I have exclusively pumped up until this time. I am still pumping now, but I am weaning myself off the pump.
Two weeks ago, I had what I call "episodes." I have had constant head pain since September 21, 2008. I have "episodes" where the pain is excruciating and debilitating. This episode lasted a week and a half. I was unable to lift/carry Arya. I could barely stand. Bradley had to take off work to care for her. Back in 2010 I was discussing coming off my medicine. My doctor said, "Yes, breastfeeding is best for a baby. But if you get to the point where you can't function it is more important for you to be able to actually care for the baby." Well. we have reached the point where I am unable to care for Arya. So, next week I start medication. And today, we start formula.
The reason we start formula today is to mix it with the milk we have left to ease her into it. I am very torn up- I wanted to give my daughter breastmilk for the first year of her life. When I realized that might not happen my goal was 9 months. Arya will be nine months old a week from tomorrow.
I feel somewhat like I failed. Everyone told me I did an amazing thing for Arya. I don't feel that way. I feel like I fell short. But as many have pointed out- I have to take care of myself to be able to take care of her.
This is a picture of Arya her first time in her highchair a couple months ago, so it is breast milk in that bottle.
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